The police don’t want to shoot us but they need the ability to overcome an agitated and dangerous suspect. Enter the taser gun. If we let them use taser gun against us in those situations where they previously had no option but to shoot the felon then a lot of lives will be saved.

Now travel back in time about two years……..

The police don’t want to shoot us but they need the ability to overcome an agitated and dangerous suspect. Enter capsicum spray. If we let them use capsicum spray against us in those situations where they previously had no option but to shoot the felon then a lot of lives will be saved.

Its deja vu all over again here ladies and gentlemen and I am literally hanging from the rafters about this one! (top that double backwards talk)

I am happy for the officers of the law to use these new ‘measures’ against people who are threatening human life with some sort of violence or weapon.

However I am reasonably concerned that these ‘measures’ may be used to subdue people who are not threatening human life with violence or a weapon. If you are protesting a cause, vigorously discussing your rights with an law enforcement officer or caught up in a good old street dust up you may be strong chance of getting sprayed or zapped.

Maybe I am just concerned as a large powerful intimidating chap (in a Wayne Carey type mould) that I will be singled out for zapping or spraying if I happen to question an officer’s instructions or fart in his general direction.

Does anyone remember the snow plough episode of the Simpson’s where Homer pleases president George Bush by clearing all of the protesters from the White House lawn with his snow plough? I think that would be a much more suitable way of dealing with protestors in real life than a taser.

I have a question. Do any of you remember the height of fashion in the 1980′s. It was happy times for a lot of shoulderless, school sore legged losers. Another positive was some of the outlandish ring attire for some of the professional wrestlers of the time.

Does anyone remember this chap?

Can anyone name the recent main stream movie in which he appeared? and for an extra bonus point…

Who did he lose to in Wrestlemania III?

A survey of more than 1000 students at Cambridge University found those studying medicine had an average of eight sexual partners in their lives so far.

Political science students had seven, while those studying history had six partners.>

Those enrolled in language courses averaged five sexual partners.

But don’t worry if you are not the brightest student – the survey found poor performers tended to have a higher than average number of sexual partners.

About 25 per cent of respondents said they had tried sado-masochism and 40 per cent said they had had a one-night stand, but more than 60 per cent said they had never been checked for sexually transmitted diseases.

Another recent study revealed the top three jobs that young women perceive to be the most desirable for their partner to have. It is an ABSOLUTE shock to me that medical doctor came out number one followed by politician at number two.

What do these surveys reveal?

Women are nothing but dirty rotten gold diggers!! We even have surveys to back it up.

Disclaimer: not all women are dirty rotten gold diggers….. just those who don’t want a piece of me…… ahhhhh so yes ALL women

Shane Warne seems to get into trouble at the drop of a hat and now Wayne Carey has been arrested and blamed (in the media) for an incident. Apparently the women (more than one) involved are totally blameless in the incident and Wayne is obviously a sex crazed maniac who should be locked up with the key thrown away.

Wayne’s work colleague at radio station 3AW Neil Mitchell has even suggested that Wayne should be fired if the police charge him. WOW so all you have to do is be charged and you should be fired from your job. I can hardly wait to see what happens at Neil’s next morning tea birthday cake celebration, hopefully Wayne will still be there.

But if you can get fired for being charged surely there are a whole generation of people out there who have been fired? Seems a bit off target …. but….. well maybe this is actually happening. I have a friend who is currently unemployed and told me that he quit. I think I can now safely assume he was arrested by the feds and charged with stealing a playboy. The new rule is, innocent until proven charged.

Why is it always the Wayne’s, Shane’s and Blaine’s that have their sexvendture’s shamelessly spread across the front pages of papers across the country? I want to hear more about the Paris “its not a dam ice cream cone” Hilton’s of this world. I am sure Bronwyn Bishop, Amanda Vanstone and others are just as guilty as the next schmuck of some of these accusations.

What about you? Who would you like to see sprawled across the news paper being “guilty” of a sex scandal?

I have a juicy little tale about Al Bundy (Ed O’Neil) and Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate). Apparently Peg wasn’t the only one getting Daddy’s attention, if you know what I mean. Oh yes.

Sorry I am legally bound and not allowed to write about it here….

Next Sunday (3rd Feb) sees former WWE (profesional wrestling) champion Brock ‘here comes the pain’ Lesnar in his debut fight on mixed martial arts promoters UFC pay per view broadcast UFC81
I for one can’t wait as this guy seems as tough as nails and should be able to put on an excellent debut against former UFC Heavy Weight Champion Frank Mir. Either way I reckon someone is gonna TAP out or get KNOCKED out.

We are in for a treat this Saturday people! The hottest ladies tennis final in the HISTORY of the sport. For far to long the sport has been dominated by average looking players, but Saturday will be a major breakthrough. We get the reasonably talented Maria Sharapova against the young up and comer Ana Ivanovic.

If all goes well we will see them in a dual spread in FHM very soon.

For the ladies, on Sunday, we will see a mens final involving the blast from nowhere Jo-Wilfried “Muhamad Ali” Tsonga versus (more than likely) Roger “how do I ditch my VERY average girlfriend” Federer.

I know, its not very nice to criticise another mans girlfriend (especially for a man in my position) but seriously, you are a multi millionaire there Roger. It is time to give her the “I just realised I am gay speech”, a suitcase full of cash and tell her not to let the door hit her in the back on the way out.

Australia Day

Another tantalising first is a promise, a promise from me to Australia. If I see any of you out and about this long weekend celebrating our national holiday with the flag of this country draped over their shoulder like it were a cape, you better morph into superman then and there! I will slap a kimura arm lock on you and turn you into hookie the cripple before you have had a chance to say oi oi oi. The following behaviour will be met with the same response.

Letting the flag drape on the ground (an offence I was taught about ‘the hard way’)

Leaving any beer in the bottom of a can / stubby (I don’t care how warm it is boy)

Being male and drinking Vodka Cruisers

Incorrectly claiming things to be Australian or our invention; examples

Thongs

Meat Pies

BBQ’s

Dead arms

Prawns

Out of interest do you know about any other incorrect Australian claims? Let me know.

Entries were put in an excel spread sheet and ordered 1 – X. A random number was selected by using the following excellent random number generator.

The winner is *drum roll

Woody (I live in a swamp, I put up signs)

Congratulations, the Metallica shirt will be heading your way, send me an email at sj@notasmartman.com as to where you would like the T-Shirt sent.