We are in for a treat this Saturday people! The hottest ladies tennis final in the HISTORY of the sport. For far to long the sport has been dominated by average looking players, but Saturday will be a major breakthrough. We get the reasonably talented Maria Sharapova against the young up and comer Ana Ivanovic.

If all goes well we will see them in a dual spread in FHM very soon.

For the ladies, on Sunday, we will see a mens final involving the blast from nowhere Jo-Wilfried “Muhamad Ali” Tsonga versus (more than likely) Roger “how do I ditch my VERY average girlfriend” Federer.

I know, its not very nice to criticise another mans girlfriend (especially for a man in my position) but seriously, you are a multi millionaire there Roger. It is time to give her the “I just realised I am gay speech”, a suitcase full of cash and tell her not to let the door hit her in the back on the way out.

Australia Day

Another tantalising first is a promise, a promise from me to Australia. If I see any of you out and about this long weekend celebrating our national holiday with the flag of this country draped over their shoulder like it were a cape, you better morph into superman then and there! I will slap a kimura arm lock on you and turn you into hookie the cripple before you have had a chance to say oi oi oi. The following behaviour will be met with the same response.

Letting the flag drape on the ground (an offence I was taught about ‘the hard way’)

Leaving any beer in the bottom of a can / stubby (I don’t care how warm it is boy)

Being male and drinking Vodka Cruisers

Incorrectly claiming things to be Australian or our invention; examples

Thongs

Meat Pies

BBQ’s

Dead arms

Prawns

Out of interest do you know about any other incorrect Australian claims? Let me know.