Whales
I must be the only person in this country who is not concerned at all about the whales. This may upset some people but I really don’t see what the big deal is.

Traffic
To end traffic congestion I have decided that the new rule of the road should be ‘race’. No matter where you go whatever you do you should do it as fast as possible. Ok maybe that is a little irresponsible, I will settle for a new rule that dictates from a standing start ie. at traffic lights or from any other stationary position you must, under condition of law, accelerate as fast as freaking possible. We will all appreciate making it through more traffic lights in the very least.

Ray Martin
Good, this will give him time to fix that annoying gap between his teeth and get a better fitting wig.

Riley Keough
I think we (I) may have got our first look at the next famous for being famous person. Grand daughter of Elvis Pressley, Riley bears a strong resemblance to the king of rock’n’roll. I checked that she is 18 so I can legally say this she is very attractive. She has been raised a Scientologist so I guess she must be best mates with Tom Cruise? Will wait and see how long until she is in rehab.

Speaking of Scientology
A bunch of computer nerds have declared February 10 is the D Day for Scientology and they intend to destroy this mysterious religion on this day. Not really sure what or how they are going to do this but I guess it involves hacking there web sites and spreading more rumours and innuendo about Tom Cruise’s and small rabbits. I say leave Tom ALONE! If you don’t we will never get to see the long overdue sequel Top Gun 2.