I have a problem. In my job I need to be dressed in business attire. I am by no means a snappy dresser but I dress to compliment my utilitarian outlook on society, not communist but not outlandishly capitalist either, somewhere in the middle with a normal business shirt and business pants.

My problem is that I know when a business shirt is worn out. It just looks washed to often and a big raggedy…. sure, I am guilty of overwearing outworn clothes (especially socially where I wear the same polo for months on end – washed of course) but pants are my weakness. I recall ripping a few bending over, tearing some on sharp edges but at some of the most inconvenient times I have been subjected to the most annoying, THE ZIPPER FAILURE~~~~~

The weakest link in a pair of pants is by far and away the zipper and it pisses me off big freaking time. Examples of said failure, halfway through the reception at a friends wedding, during dinner at the ritziest restaurant in Austin Texas (still the best steak I have ever had), during a business trip here there and everywhere. It never seems to be somewhere convenient like, when you put your pants on in the morning before you go to work. It always seems to be when you are least able to rectify the situation.

I am not sure what causes this, I don’t believe I am overly stretching out the groin area of my pants so I am not sure what is causing this particular continuing failure but I would give money to the person who can specifically diagnose and resolve this issue.

Do any of you have a particular clothing item that suffers from ‘malfunction’ or am I destined to suffer this annoyance alone?

I am not just writing this because I have an investment in a gaming machine company. It just seems to me that more and more people are trying to kill the ‘peoples’ fun….. and I demand an end to the mascarade.

The latest stoush
In the blue corner you have Joe Bevan, sure he may not be all that smart but he lives in a community where you can go down to the local pub or club, have himself a few beers a meal and a flutter on the pokies and take your mind off life for a while.

In the red corner please allow me to introduce you to Barry Bansalot. While ignoring the fact that poker machines are a glorified cash register these people have decided that they are far more intelligent than you or I and must make the decision for ‘us’ to protect ‘us’ from these evil machines.

I rarely play a poker machine (I don’t begrudge those who do) but I am fully aware of the fact they are programmed to ensure that they pay out about 13% less than is put into them. Ie. The longer you play, the more you lose and if you don’t know that, well I suggest you have a long hard look at why anyone does anything in this country, starts with ‘p’ ends in ‘t’ and has an ‘rofi’ in the middle.

The regulation is that once your 18 you can do whatever you like as long as it’s within the law and that is it. Drink, bet, procreate and vote, but the thought of these Barry Bansalot’s is that you are stupid and unable to control certain actions so they apply laws to you. Some laws are for the safety of the general public, others for your for your health. But this new proposed legislation is designed to stop you from making a free decision to spend your own money and control your spending.

They are saying. You are too stupid to control your budget so we will do it for you. That I cannot stand for.

I am sure there are some people who have a pokie addiction, just as I am sure that there are people with alcohol, smoking, working, fasting, eating, cafine, exercising, shopping, sex having, computer gaming, television watching, speeding (dangerous driving), extreme sporting, self helping, self deprecating, porn watching, murdering, religious, do gooding and any number of the endless amount of addictions that exist in this world. The reality is that should be up to the individual only!! and society as a whole should not be punished for the individuals inability to control themselves!

I hadn’t seen this one till yesterday so pardon me if it is an old one but I found it interesting anyways. Cheers to Megaman for the information.

So Girlfriend or Wife is the question……?

Dear Shirvy,
Is Marteen Iamasmartman.com’s evil twin?

Answer
I am not sure, it is possible but I doubt it. I think I met Iamasmartman driving a taxi on Saturday night. He seems all right but pretty sure of himself. Marteen seems to be a little less intimate with the general population than the taxi driver.

Dear Shirvy,
Can you please repeat that pizzling you gave IASM!! I’d do it myself but it’s getting boring and you did it so well….

Answer
No.

Dear Shirvy,
How did you not notice the Ompa Lompa climbing on to the bar stool in front of you? Don’t give me the bullshit story you were drunk and didn’t notice it, tugging on your shirt.

Answer
I am not sure where to begin with this one. You seem to be one of these blokes that opens his mouth to speak and is unable to articulate what you are really trying to say. Try again.

Dear Shirvy,
SJ, Would you be interested in selling the website?

Answer
If the price offered were considered to a fair equity price for the web site I would consider this. However I don’t intend selling my baby to anyone at this point.

Dear Shirvy,
Why do people that can’t fight in real life pick virtual fights and act really tough and that over the internet behind the safety of their keyboard?

Answer
It is an interesting phenomenon that actually began with the advent of unlicensed CB radios. These “button pushers” as they became known would take great joy in annoying, taunting and interrupting other people on CB trying to have a conversation. The button pushers were soon made silent when the ability to triangulate a transmitters position became common knowledge in the CB community. I am happy to say I will have a similar ability soon with this web page. As to why they do it…… boredom maybe.

Dear Shirvy,
Long time listener, first time caller…..could you please tell me how to convince my wife I need more man-to-man time?

Answer
I can only suggest that if you wife knows that you are having fun and she isn’t, then she must end your fun as quickly as possible. The best way of making sure you can spend more time with your mates is tell her what a crap time you had last time (even though it was the best EVER) and that you are just trying to support your mate cause he is a lonely loser with no other friends. Tell her it’s not fun but somebody has to do it.

Dear Shirvy,
Can you please tell me what the difference is between pashing and bashing?

Answer
Yes its quite simple really, pashing is what happens when I chop almost any chick anywhere, bashing is what happens when the chick complains to the bouncers about my unwelcome approach.

Dear Shirvy,
Is turkey slap sunshine a cocktail?

Answer
If it isn’t it should be. I was unable to locate proof of its existence so I can only suggest at the moment it would be an incident from big brother where one of the other housemates opened the window halfway through to let some light in.

Whales
I must be the only person in this country who is not concerned at all about the whales. This may upset some people but I really don’t see what the big deal is.

Traffic
To end traffic congestion I have decided that the new rule of the road should be ‘race’. No matter where you go whatever you do you should do it as fast as possible. Ok maybe that is a little irresponsible, I will settle for a new rule that dictates from a standing start ie. at traffic lights or from any other stationary position you must, under condition of law, accelerate as fast as freaking possible. We will all appreciate making it through more traffic lights in the very least.

Ray Martin
Good, this will give him time to fix that annoying gap between his teeth and get a better fitting wig.

Riley Keough
I think we (I) may have got our first look at the next famous for being famous person. Grand daughter of Elvis Pressley, Riley bears a strong resemblance to the king of rock’n’roll. I checked that she is 18 so I can legally say this she is very attractive. She has been raised a Scientologist so I guess she must be best mates with Tom Cruise? Will wait and see how long until she is in rehab.

Speaking of Scientology
A bunch of computer nerds have declared February 10 is the D Day for Scientology and they intend to destroy this mysterious religion on this day. Not really sure what or how they are going to do this but I guess it involves hacking there web sites and spreading more rumours and innuendo about Tom Cruise’s and small rabbits. I say leave Tom ALONE! If you don’t we will never get to see the long overdue sequel Top Gun 2.

I am a self-confessed computer game player. Some may go so far to say that I am a nerd but after watching a documentary called “Gamer Revolution” (cheers to Rat Warne for the heads up) last night I can safely say I am, but an amateur.

Here are a couple of things that are now commonplace in the online gaming community

Purchase, with real money, online items, accessaries or property to use on line in game play. Not only can you buy these thing but you can create them to sell to others; enter real nerd.

An example of this is some American bloke has paid nerd designers US $100,000.00 to build a space station in a game for him. His plan is to on-sell apartments, shops and other items too people who want to visit or live on his space station. To pay for this he put a 2nd mortgage on his home. Hello, hall of fame?

Virtual Sex
Not that I am surprised about this one but things appear to have come a long way since the good old Leisure Suite Larry days. Its mainly the graphics that can now be achieved…. Wild, wild stuff. Its happy days for the next prepubescent generation coming through, ‘things’ have never been easier. I believe it is time Leisure Suite Larry made a comeback however.

Level Jumping
This one was a total unknown to me. You can buy an online game and instead of playing the game yourself to get to the higher ‘ranks’ in the game, you can employ a company to play the game for you to achieve an agreed upon level. Say you are level 20 and you want to be level 40 because you want to have access to the ‘delorian code’ only available to level 40 players. Instead of playing the necessary 160 hours to achieve that level, you can ask ‘Level Jumpers R Us’ to get your character there for you. ‘Level Jumpers R Us’ inturn have a sweat shop in Romania where some ‘worker’ or shifts of ‘workers’ will play your character non stop 24/7 until you can cast the ‘delorian code’ on those lowly dogs stuck at level 20.

I am about to vote in an election for the third time in less than 18 months and I have had enough!!

Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with having carrying out my civil duty and always perform this duty to the full extent of

my ability (except for that one time I was to hung over). But really, enough of this calling snap elections when your polls look good or letting the media feed seemingly endlessly on our leaders whim to choose when we will decide if they have a job any longer and enough of these separate elections. It is time to got to fixed four year terms for national, state and local governments and have 1 election day every four years. That’s it done dusted no more soup for you.

This will save us, taxpayer funds, the excitement of three separate civil campaigns at once and the potential loss of two additional Saturdays. These extra Saturdays will come in handy when I want to drink the day away at a pub punting on horses, football games and whatever else is going.

An alternative
The alternative to a totalitarian “election day” is to make any election day on a work day and then also make it a public holiday. If they do this I want them to go to 6 month terms and enforce a ban on having separate elections on the same day. They must all be separate.

Pay increases
Oh and another new rule is to make Politicians pay increases subject to the boards approval ie. If they are going to give themselves an above inflation pay increase then they will have to get it approved by their bosses just like the rest of us. Or should they be above this?

Mandatory voting
Whilst on this voting topic what are everyone’s thoughts on mandatory voting? My father always used to say that “I don’t see why someone who doesn’t give a dam how this country is run should be forced to make a decision on the matter.” I tend to agree with him. If you don’t care how the country should be run then why do you get a say. But then, there is the other argument, everyone should vote because…… well I don’t really know, but I am sure some one will have a reason why?