“What about security at the Caxton? That bloke was blind. He could hardly talk”.

That’s all it takes apparently. If you mistakenly state that someone is drunk when they are in fact having a seizure you are open to all sorts of law suits. Welcome to Pettyville… population us.

When the Fatman realised his mistake and apologised it was greeted with a luke warm response from the bouncers father, “it’s done now.” and further “but that doesn’t change what’s happened to us and our son.” Fair call you don’t have to accept the apology but surely you don’t have to sue for a descriptive error.

Look, I don’t wish a disability on anyone and I am sure, friends and family may have found the comments upsetting. But we can’t all walk around on eggshells in anticipation of offending anyone. Fatty is in the entertainment game, he uses off the cuff observations and commentary to entertain the masses. Like any entertainer sometimes his antics may miss the mark and alienate a percentage of his audience. But when all is said and done and the horse has bolted, all you can do is apologise for a misunderstanding and he has done that.

Perhaps if the old man is dead set on suing someone he should push his actions towards the producers of the show rather than just the host.

Someone sent this to me recently, some of the laws may clash with mine but it is and international council, I am not about to ‘George Bush’ an international ruling.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. (This rule is STUPID!!!)

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she’s officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

15: Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

18: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

19: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

20: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

21: The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an Xbox 360 : End of story.

22: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

23: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

· ‘GUTS’ is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, ‘are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’

· ‘BALLS’ is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the arse and having the balls to say, ‘You’re next fatty!’

I hope this clears up any confusion

A big congrats goes to Tiger Woods for winning the 2008 US Open. I really thought Aussie Geoff Ogilvy was a great chance today in the final round but he was unable to control his nerve and post a decent score for the Tiger to chase.

Tiger is just such a special golfer it really gives me the shits. His form in the third round was ordinary but the bloke can just find a way to get the up and down from anywhere. It is just uncanny. The chip-in got me, anyone can sink one or two real special putts in a round but to pull off a chip from the rough that was clearly going to be long and have it drop in the second bounce is just amazing.

A special note goes to Rocco Mediate who will put up a brave fight in a few hours time but rest assured he is 100% absolutely ZERO chance to win. I learnt a long time ago to be weary of the wounded golfer and tomorrow (this morning as you read this) the world is going to find out that that statement has never be truer.

If you want to make a quick $300,000 run as fast as you can and put $1 million on Tiger to win. It is the easiest money you will EVER make.

Unfortunately I only had $86.42 in my account so all that (barring the 42cents) has been put on the ‘Uncanny Tiger’ at $1.33 for a return of $114.38.

Kick son, kick for all your worth!!

If Carltons coach Brett Ratten isn’t Alfred E. Neuman than I am not here. What do you reckon?

What me worry?

I read that Mark Brandon Read has 2 – 5 years to live. He may get out of it quicker for bad behaviour, if he continues to drink that is.

Uncle Chop Chop has come up with a fairly reasonable explanation as to why he should not receive a life saving liver transplant. “A transplant would save me, but why would anybody give 53-year-old Chopper Read a liver over and above an 11-year-old girl with liver cancer?”

Why indeed?

I will tell you why, we need Chopper. Who the hell is going to brutalise criminals and go hard on crime. The police? As best I can tell the police are barley allowed to use their guns let alone stop crime.

Come on Chopper, don’t make us beg. Have the operation champ.

Heath Franklin would be inconsolable if Chop Chop kicks the bucket. How will he be able to tell us all about hardening up?

I am hereby launching the save Chopper fund (he was probably hoping someone would do this). Go to your local National Bank and deposit money into the ‘notasmartman.com’ fund. These profits will find there way to Chopper I promise.

If you want to make the trek up to PNG and have a crack at the Kokoda track then more power to you. But fair suck of the sav sir sooks-a-lot, you can’t expect for our government to provide you with toilets along the way. I must ask again, did we win the freaking Powerball draw last week or something? Surely there are more pressing issues that our money can be used to resolve other than providing drop dunnies for these tourists.

If you are that dead set keen on having a crack at Kokoda then I reckon you should get out in the boondoo and practice some squat turds before you go.

There is also some talk of installing bins along the way to stem the ever growing piles of rubbish. Surely if you are going up there carrying all your food you can make the effort to bring your rubbish back with you. I struggle with the mentality of people who think it is such an honour to make the trek of our war heroes and just leave there rubbish all over the shop.

It’s a place of respect not your lounge room you flag touting tourist and don’t even try and turn this on me niffers. If I were going to do this trek (yes highly unlikely) I would be sure to pay respect to the track and uphold the condition in which I found it, barring a few squat turds off in the boondoo along the way.

Kenny and his whole band of anti turd squatters can go to Dreamworld if they don’t like it. Their ideologies are very closely aligned, also Dreamworld has public toilets out their ying yangs.

Craig Bellamy has made a phone call or, SOS if you will, to Trent Barrett to make a possible return for Origin game 3 in Sydney July 2nd. The rumour mill is running rampant with reports that Bellemy and Nine network commentator Phil Gould have made over night calls to the current Wigan five eighth.

A phone call to Braith ‘down syndrome’ Anasta revealed some bitter dissapointment with this latest rumour. “Its a bloody slap in the face” said Anasta, “I have been pretty dominating this season and to hear rumours like this is just very dissapointing”.

Former Queensland halfback Alfie Langer was contacted for his thoughts “Yep I think they should get him over, I did it and it worked out pretty well, cept for Benny giving me a kiss and a cuddle at the end” Langer reflected. He also likes the idea for selfish reasons “if they get Barro back across at least I might get some decent odds on our boys, this Qld favourites crap is giving me the shits, I want some real odds”.

It is an urgent and desperate move to try and turn the tables on a dominating Qld side. It will be interesting to see.