I have been away on business hence the lack of activity here. I have only just got back but thought you may be interested in the top 10 things I didn’t miss hearing about while away.

1. Angelina and her freaking twins. Who gives a flying fig, seriously why does anyone care. Angelina’s assassination may garner my interest.

2. Jana and her freaking injuries. As if it were not enough this pogg sooked the house down last Olympics now we have to see it all over. Jana DISAPEAR!!!!

3. The Iphone, my phone is better! End of argument!

4. Protesters sooking about Denis Ferguson. Listen mcbevans, keep a closer eye on your kids and shut the hell up or a paedophile will be the least of your worries

5. Shapelle Corby, she did it, she didn’t do it don’t matter. What she will do is serve the sentence.

6. World youth day. I don’t remember such a prestigious waste of taxpayer money when I was a youth. We only had Catholic church camp.

7. Grown homosexual men sooking about being raped by a priest at Catholic church camp. Admit it champ, you wanted it!

8. The pope, I see tonight he is shorter than our prime-minister making him officially a midget. I also notice he didn’t kiss the ground when he lands in a new country like the old pope. This disappoints me and I think we should wheel out the old pope ‘Weekend at Burnie’s’ to carry out this custom.

9. The price of fuel. If you don’t like it then get a pick and shovel and start digging. As the great Colonel (ret) Fletcher Prouty once suggested, “there is oil under every square inch of this planet, you just have to dig far enough to find it”. Spot on Fletch.

10. The Olympics. I have an interest in watching the mens 100m sprint final. The rest of it you can set on fire.