Well Sunday could prove to be one of the biggest days in mixed martial arts (MMA) for a while. Not for any major reason other than the fact that two live events will be broadcast into Australia for the first time.

UFC

On Fuel TV (channel 516) the UFC is offering you the chance to see pound for pound the best fighter in the world, Anderson ‘the spider’ Silva fight James Irvin for FREE (providing you have got the Foxtel sports package). The card is also stacked with several great fights including

Lightweight bout: Hermes Franca vs. Frank Edgar
Light Heavyweight bout: Brandon Vera vs. Reese Andy
Welterweight bout: Anthony Johnson vs. Kevin Burns
Middleweight bout: Jesse Taylor vs. C.B. Dollaway
Heavyweight bout: Cain Velasquez vs. Jake O’Brien

Affliction

On Main Event a new franchise is having its first Pay Per View event broadcast world wide. T’Shirt company turned MMA company will be presenting Affliction: Banned which is also boasting a stacked card featuring the accepted best heavyweight fighter walking the planet Russian Fedor Emelianenko versus Tim ‘the maniac’ Sylvia for their heavyweight championship.

Heavyweight bout: Andrei Arlovski vs. Ben Rothwell
Heavyweight bout: Josh Barnett vs. Pedro Rizzo
Middleweight bout: Matt Lindland vs. Fabio Negao
Light heavyweight bout: Renato Sobral vs. Mike Whitehead

The preliminary card is nothing to be sneezed at either including a fight between Vitor Belfort and Mike Tysons long lost identical twin brother Terry Martin. I hope they show this slugfest.

I am left with the problem of which show to watch and which to record…..

Rest assured from 11:00AM onwards I will be watching pummellings for six solid hours!!! Give me a tingle if you are interested also.

This has come through to me from an associate….. made for some amusing reading but you have to read the whole thing!

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MacDonald’s has the big mac, and Hungry Jacks has the whopper, well there’s one Wellington Point diner, which is laying claim to the worlds hottest hamburger. The Megadeath burger isn’t for the fainthearted and even comes with a health warning because it contains ingredients that make a jalapeno look mild.

So, what makes it so hot?

Well first there’s the 10 slices of jalapenos, plus the beef pattie which contains 2 grams of chilli powder. Then there’s the chilli jam, the sweet chilli sauce and the ground pepper.
And then there’s the secret ingredient. It’s called chilli mega death sauce made from the hottest ingredients on earth, it’ll have you seeing stars, and forget about sending you to the moon, you’ll be rocketing all the way to saturn. The Megadeath burger has a whole tablespoon of the stuff on it. And not even the diner’s owner has been able to polish one off.

If you think you’ve got what it takes the owners of Off the Wall welcome anyone with the mouth and stomach strong enough to take a Megadeath burger, to give it a go. But you have to be over 18 and not have anxiety, asthma, or heart problems. There’s plenty of milk and yoghurt on hand to help you along the way. The Off The Wall diner is at 386 Main Road Wellington Point – 3207 3209. Bottles of the sauce are for sale at the diner.

This is hilarious!!! Read all the way down the bottom – where he talks about “2 days later”.

Eating Out

Cranky and the World’s Hottest Burger, Off The Wall Diner, QLD, AU

Dear sweet arse-raping Jesus i will make this report VERY quick because just the memory of the burger is giving me bowel cramps.

First of all the burger in question can be found at the “Off The Wall Diner” at Wellington Point in Brisbane.

Secondly, before it gets served to you, you have to put on rubber gloves.

Finally, it was not so much a meal as a physical assault.

I swear to god I have never been in so much pain in my life. i was mentally prepared for the burn and had decided that no matter how hot it turned out to be i was just going to open a can of “harden the f * ck up” and keep eating. So here’s how it panned out…

4 of us head to Wellington Point around 2pm for a cruisy Saturday lunch. Me, Thommo and our two better halves.

We know that drinking beer won’t help the burn, but just for psychological backup we have 2 6 packs of Little Creatures. We drink 1 6 pack on the way to the diner. We start on the other as soon as we arrive.

The 2 guys order the megadeath burgers to much laughter and derision from the kitchen of the diner. The 2 girls order sensible burgers.

We are downing the beer like water before we even see the burger so we run across the road and grab another 6 pack from the pub.

The girls burgers arrive and they are awesome hand made giant patty motherf * cking things and I’m starting to get REALLY hungry.

Our burgers arrive, with rubber gloves and a recovery kit consisting of a big drink of milk and a bowl of yogurt. The challenge remains that if we can finish the burger without resorting to the recovery kit we get our names on a plaque on the wall…

I start eating, and eating fast. I stick with my game plan and ignore the burn, just push through the pain.

2 things happen immediately to my body.

1. I get violent hiccups as my body tries to reject the molten lava I am putting into it.
2. I begin crying like a little girl.

Not to be discouraged I forge ahead, quickly shoveling the burger into my mouth. I begin to descend into my own little hell. Staff come out and are watching us eat and are egging us on. I can barely notice anything except the immense pain in my mouth, eyes, ears (yes my ears were ringing) but most importantly in my stomach…

And this is the problem.

The burning mouth, the crying, the ringing ears I can handle. But now with less than a third of the burger to go my stomach seizes up and refuses to let me put anything into it. I take a deep breath and look for my can of “harden the f * ck up” when I notice that my mate Thommo has stopped eating his burger just beyond the halfway point and is wandering aimlessly up and down the street.

He has honestly lost the plot and is walking around in circles.

I decide I can’t be defeated and manage one more bite before my stomach explains at this point that it is about to return to me everything i have just eaten at high speed.

Not being able to face the prospect of vomiting back something that hot I pull off my gloves and admit defeat with 2 mouthfuls to go. The staff can’t believe I have got this close and not finished it but at this point i really don’t give a f * ck because I have just started to hallucinate.

No exaggerations here for the next 15-20 minutes or so as we just sat there I was completely off my face. it is one of the strangest drug experiences I have ever had (thats a BIG call). The closest thing I can liken it to is the feeling you have when you are coming off an “e” and you are really jumpy, agitated, spun out and trippy.

Can i recommend this burger to anyone?

No f * cking way.

Should you go and try it anyway?

Absof * ckinglutely!

The Evil Burger

Mark crying like a little girl

Thommo wants his mum

Defeated

And about 2 days later…

It is now almost 48 hours later and i have just had my second shower for the morning.
second shower? why have 2?

Because I am still shitting white hot torrents of molten steel and I need to cool down my puckered, torn and abraded sphincter before it decides to go all “china syndrome” and melt through the crust of the earth to the core.

I swear to god all I have eaten in the past couple of days since the “event” is stomach and anus friendly food like yoghurt, and ham and salad rolls and yet here I am at 6am on Monday morning wondering why I have just been fisted by someone with a handful of broken glass and gravel?

the burger was evil. and it’s evilness continues to taunt my bunghole.

shame on you for wanting to try this boobmeister. shame.

… and finally, a few days after that…

lol thanks for your concern f * cker

It lasted until Tuesday night (i had the burger on Saturday lunchtime) and i had my first *normal* crap on Wednesday morning.

my mate i went who also tried the burger with came good on Tuesday morning, but he admitted by “good” he meant he wasn’t bleeding profusely from his anus and eyeballs at the same time.

that burger was all f * cked up.

now go try it.

I am always surprised at how easy some people will fly into a fit of road rage. Driving back from a game of golf not so long ago a few mates and I saw and excellent straight up punch on. Well not so straight up, one of the blokes stayed in his car which made the fight even more entertaining.

We were stopped at a set of lights when the sound of car horns and waving arms attracted our attention. Apparently these two scallywags had come together at an earlier juncture and decided it was time to confirm the incident face to face. After the beeping and hand gestures were completed a large Maori chap exited his vehicle to discuss things further. As he approached the drivers window of the other car the other chap forcefully, and unsuccessfully tried to open his door onto the Maori. This was followed by punches through the drivers window. At one point the chap in the car managed to grab the arm of the Maori and pull it towards the passenger door at a great rate of knots, this resulted in the Maori’s head bouncing off the cars roof. As we sat there in amazement the traffic lights turned green and the Maori decided it was time to get back in his car and drive off.

While I enjoyed the show I have since pondered the ease in which this incident occurred, how easily it could have escalated further and what it would take for me personally to get out of my car and attack a fellow motorist. I just don’t envisage a situation that would get me annoyed enough to do it.

What about you, have you been involved in a physical road rage incident? Or do you have any other road rage stories you can tell me about?

With the upcoming release of the UFC’s new video game they had a preview ‘video fight’ for the recent title fight between Forrest Griffin and Rampage Jackson with some amusing comentary from Jackson himself. The end is very funny. I am quite impressed with the graphics and apparent game play this will offer and look forward to destroying some of you soon.

I have been away on business hence the lack of activity here. I have only just got back but thought you may be interested in the top 10 things I didn’t miss hearing about while away.

1. Angelina and her freaking twins. Who gives a flying fig, seriously why does anyone care. Angelina’s assassination may garner my interest.

2. Jana and her freaking injuries. As if it were not enough this pogg sooked the house down last Olympics now we have to see it all over. Jana DISAPEAR!!!!

3. The Iphone, my phone is better! End of argument!

4. Protesters sooking about Denis Ferguson. Listen mcbevans, keep a closer eye on your kids and shut the hell up or a paedophile will be the least of your worries

5. Shapelle Corby, she did it, she didn’t do it don’t matter. What she will do is serve the sentence.

6. World youth day. I don’t remember such a prestigious waste of taxpayer money when I was a youth. We only had Catholic church camp.

7. Grown homosexual men sooking about being raped by a priest at Catholic church camp. Admit it champ, you wanted it!

8. The pope, I see tonight he is shorter than our prime-minister making him officially a midget. I also notice he didn’t kiss the ground when he lands in a new country like the old pope. This disappoints me and I think we should wheel out the old pope ‘Weekend at Burnie’s’ to carry out this custom.

9. The price of fuel. If you don’t like it then get a pick and shovel and start digging. As the great Colonel (ret) Fletcher Prouty once suggested, “there is oil under every square inch of this planet, you just have to dig far enough to find it”. Spot on Fletch.

10. The Olympics. I have an interest in watching the mens 100m sprint final. The rest of it you can set on fire.

Thanks for nothing you useless bits of so-called technology. Apparently you niffs don’t know the difference between a road and a freaking dirt road. Both Google Maps and Tom Tom Navigator think that the Fitzroy Developmental road is suitable to drive on in a two wheel drive sedan. Rest assured dear reader, it is not. Well not if has recently been raining.

I have also found that dirt roads with the term ‘developmental’ in them are not conducive to the supply of much needed petrol stations.

My arse is also frightfully sore from the pounding it took….

If any of you niffers know how to update Tom Tom 6 navigator to avoid the dirt track please feel free to pass on this knowledge. Because I think the Tom Tom can be adjusted I will spare it from the following spay.

Dear Google,

You are a useless bunch of self important niffers!! If I were not receiving a substantial income from your advertising on this web site I would sue you and your map making morons. Steer me wrong again and you will receive a search request on directions for “my fist to meet your faces”. After that I will request directions to “your heart” and yes, I will stipulate dirt tracks only!!

Regards,

Notasmartman

You are in the presence of a hero people. That hero is me. I don’t give myself this tag lightly but rest assured it is thoroughly deserved.

On Saturday night an associate of mine entered the room gasping for air clutching at his throat. It seems that he had tried to eat an entire packet of chips in one mouthful and smoke a cigarette at the same time. A valuable lesson learnt. I immediately engaged the Heimlich Maneuver (or abdominal thrust) and after several thrusts saved his life.

Just to help you kids out there I thought I should teach you all how to do it so that one day you may also know the sweet satisfaction of having a fellow human being owe you his life.

Performing abdominal thrusts involves a rescuer/hero (me) standing behind a patient (Chipsy Joe Jackson) and using their hands to exert pressure on the bottom of the diaphragm. This compresses the lungs and exerts pressure on any object lodged in the trachea, hopefully expelling it. This amounts to an artificial cough.

Due to the forceful nature of the procedure, even when done correctly it can injure the person on whom it is performed. Bruising to the abdomen is highly likely and more serious injuries can occur, including fracture of the xiphoid process or ribs. But as we discussed on the night, better a cracked rib then be dead.

I am not sure on the etiquette but I look forward to my ‘hero reward’ soon.