Archive for April, 2009

Apr 30 2009

Back from the brink with tips a seven

Published by SJ under General

After an exciting business trip I am back with some fascinating tips & tales from the tropics.

Tip 1. If anyone is interested the Cairns Esplanade is a most interesting place to visit on a lovely sunny day. All sorts of things to look see…. and that. The back packers apparently don’t enjoy wearing clothes.

Tip 2. The Cock & Bull still needs some fecking lights but the Chicken Schnitzel with mushroom sauce tasted as good as ever. Go for a pub lunch and you will get it.

Tip 3. The Cairns Casino is as good a place as any to lose some cash.

Tip 4. Just because it is nearly winter don’t expect not to sweat in Cairns. Sweat you will.

Tip 5. Bump into me and spill my drink on my pants and I will expect another. Do not risk your life….. just get the fecking drink.

Tip 6. Townsville’s indigenous population live under bridges. They don’t like it when you innocently spit from the bridge, not knowing they are there, and it lands on them. It is handy to have cigarettes to give out as a form of peace pipe. Its unlikely they will read this but for the record, sorry boys.

Tip 7. Virgin Blue are rubbish. To the hostess who kept bumping into me as she walked up and down the aisle …. how you doing? ;)

You may have expected more from someone who has had a short lay-off but trust me, I am working on a literary piece that will electrify the masses.

2 responses so far

Apr 26 2009

Thanks for thinking of me, Ricky, but I have better things to do – Phil Gould

Published by SJ under General

Dear Ricky, perhaps you misunderstood my comments during the week about your predicament at Cronulla.

Your invitation to have me come to training and talk to your players about attacking football is quite flattering, however, I didn’t actually offer you any assistance.

First, I’m retired.

Second, even if I were motivated to coach, you’d be the last person I’d help.

To be honest Ricky, you are the most pig-headed and ungrateful person I’ve met in football. I discontinued my association with you four years ago because I could no longer tolerate your petulance.

As for your childish comments I somehow cost you your position at the Roosters 18 months later, perhaps my lawyers should ask you to explain that rubbish in court. People are sick of your continually trying to rewrite history. These feeble attempts to erase the real factors behind your sacking and blame others for your demise are embarrassing.

Football clubs don’t terminate coaching contracts lightly. Managements agonise over such decisions for months. History will show your team was underperforming and you’d lost the confidence of those who count. End of story.

Sure it hurts, but there’s no shame in being sacked. We all get sacked. That’s part of being a coach.

Remember, Ricky, two coaches had to be sacked to provide employment for you at the Roosters and Sharks.

Stuart Raper must be scratching his head at why he was removed to make way for you, given your current position on the premiership ladder. Do you ever spare a thought for him?

It’s time you stop this ridiculous charade of being hard done by.

Roosters management did you a favour terminating your contract. It provided you with a perfect opportunity to start afresh at another club and save your reputation. Meanwhile, your replacement, Chris Anderson, had to come in and try to mop up the mess you left behind. Sadly, the enormity of the task cost him his health and his job.

You should also note, Ricky, that I didn’t make these latest comments about your coaching in the normal course of my work with Channel Nine or my newspaper columns.

I was asked for comment by a journalist from The Daily Telegraph. This is the organisation for which you work. Perhaps you should be directing your dummy spit at that newspaper and asking why it pursued me for comment, given I have no relationship with your employer whatsoever.

The journalist who contacted me said it was about time someone questioned your performance at the Sharks. He highlighted the fact that your Sharks started this season as third favourites to win the comp but are now favoured for the wooden spoon.

He noted the Sharks scored fewer tries than any other team last season. He watched a weakened Melbourne beat the Sharks 26-0 in the preliminary final last year. Only a week later, Manly thrashed the Storm 40-0. The Sea Eagles obviously knew how to attack them. He’d witnessed your Australian team, full of the most talented players in this country, lose the World Cup final on home soil to an under-strength New Zealand.

He mentioned your purchase of four new players this season – three of them internationals – to bolster your team’s attacking potency.

He noted you had released players such as Brett Kimmorley (Bulldogs) and Isaac De Gois (Knights) to make way for these purchases.

I guess we’ve all noticed their outstanding form for their new clubs and, in particular, what creative attacking players they’ve proven to be.

The journalist asked me if you should be under pressure to lose your position. I got the distinct impression your own newspaper was about to recommend your sacking. My reply was simple. “No. He can coach. He just needs some help. He’s always needed help.”

I’ve made similar comments about several young coaches over the years, but none of them reacted the way you did. Did I touch a nerve?

I’m in a position to make these comments because I know your style of coaching better than anyone.

In your time at the Roosters you received plenty of quality assistance. Certainly more than you’ve ever acknowledged.

Assistant coaches such as Dean Pay, John Cartwright and Ivan Cleary were tremendous.

Both Cleary and Pay won lower-grade competitions with the club. Cleary and Cartwright are now outstanding coaches at the NRL level with the Warriors and Titans respectively.

These people contributed enormously to your success and the success of the Roosters.

My comments this week merely suggested you’ve always relied heavily on the contributions of others and perhaps you should seek similar assistance to help the Sharks’ players realise their full attacking potential. Perhaps I’m guilty of expressing the bleeding obvious.

Your emotional reactions to my rather tame comments this week speak a thousand words. Is there something you don’t want people to know?

In the end, The Daily Telegraph journalist made a very compelling argument; however, I suggested the Sharks’ problems could be rectified without sacking the head coach.

During your time at the Roosters I continually praised your work ethic and promoted your coaching ability to the public.

I was also instrumental in your securing coveted positions such as the NSW State of Origin and Australian coaching jobs. I made strong recommendations on your behalf.

It was unfortunate you lost the prestigious position of Australian coach due to your temper and inability to accept responsibility for your own losses; but, to be honest, this came as no surprise.

If it makes you feel any better, Ricky, you are a better coach than I ever was – but that doesn’t mean very much.

You have a quality team there at the Sharks. There are also plenty of knowledgeable people around who can assist you. I expect things to turn for the better soon.

In the meantime, trust your players. Help them build confidence in their own ability. Don’t read the papers.

Other than that Ricky, I have no advice for you.

10 responses so far

Apr 25 2009

David Thorne – at it again

Published by SJ under General

The man who bought you a picture of a spider has done it again. Invented or actual I still had a giggle. Enjoy.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 – Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to ‘lift this’, ”push that’ dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn’t talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher ‘mum’ and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f *ck yourself.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

11 responses so far

Apr 24 2009

Susan Boyle for real?

Published by SJ under General

Photo: Getty Images

Photo: Getty Images

In all seriousness what the hell is with all the sensationalism with this mono-brow want to be Susan Boyle? There are literally hundreds of thousands of opera, club, bar, choir and karaoke singers in this world who could have matched the performance of this lady.

As far as I can tell Pavarotti was no oil painting, Amy Winehouse is pushing the limits of a walking carcass and Aretha Franklin doesn’t quite cut the mustard for me either but they have all had successful careers. With just these few examples any simple-minded individual can decipher that ‘looks’ has absolutely nothing to do with vocal talent.

The occurrence of these jaw dropping performances is happening far to often to be a totally unplanned phenomenon. Secondly, the speed in which these performances ooze onto You Tube seems to good to be true. When it looks like a trick and it smells like a trick, she a dirty rotten trick….. oh umm sorry marketers out there. This is an impressive subliminal marketing campaign that has drawn out millions of new clients from around the world, Bravo!

Wake up and smell the coffee you jaw dropped, applauding dribblers!

5 responses so far

Apr 23 2009

Over the Rainbow

Published by SJ under General

Had an interesting experience yesterday. The day in the office was totally crap with slap in the face after slap in the friggen face. After 15 years I am nearly ready to slap the bastards back but that is another story…. Deep breath… and… I am back.

Well, as crap as the day was I walked outside to the car to go home and as I did, I looked up at the sky and what in the world did I see? A bloody rainbow! and suddenly the bad day just washed away….. Well not really, but it was a pretty impressive rainbow, as far as rainbows go.

I noticed that this rainbow seemed to land in the general area I was headed so I thought I would see how close I could get to it, with a pot of gold in mind. As I was driving along looking at this freaking rainbow and I nearly hit a big freaking truck (or BFT to you). The thing that I found most interesting is just before I turned the wheel to avoid this truck I noticed as clear as day that I could see the rainbow between me and the truck, literally meters in front of me.

As I avoided the truck I realised that the pot of gold everyone goes on about isn’t really a pot of gold it is in actual fact a nugget. That nugget sat in my pants until I was able to get home!

Lesson to the uninitiated, don’t watch freaking rainbows when you drive, they are just optical illusions, watch the bloody road.

7 responses so far

Apr 22 2009

Revealed: Antarctic ice growing, not shrinking

Published by SJ under General

More information suggesting that global warming may not be occuring….

Greg Roberts April 18, 2009 The Australian. Link here

ICE is expanding in much of Antarctica, contrary to the widespread public belief that global warming is melting the continental ice cap.

The results of ice-core drilling and sea ice monitoring indicate there is no large-scale melting of ice over most of Antarctica, although experts are concerned at ice losses on the continent’s western coast.

Antarctica has 90 per cent of the Earth’s ice and 80 per cent of its fresh water. Extensive melting of Antarctic ice sheets would be required to raise sea levels substantially, and ice is melting in parts of west Antarctica. The destabilisation of the Wilkins ice shelf generated international headlines this month.

However, the picture is very different in east Antarctica, which includes the territory claimed by Australia.

East Antarctica is four times the size of west Antarctica and parts of it are cooling. The Scientific Committee on Antarctic Research report prepared for last week’s meeting of Antarctic Treaty nations in Washington noted the South Pole had shown “significant cooling in recent decades”.

Australian Antarctic Division glaciology program head Ian Allison said sea ice losses in west Antarctica over the past 30 years had been more than offset by increases in the Ross Sea region, just one sector of east Antarctica.

“Sea ice conditions have remained stable in Antarctica generally,” Dr Allison said.

The melting of sea ice — fast ice and pack ice — does not cause sea levels to rise because the ice is in the water. Sea levels may rise with losses from freshwater ice sheets on the polar caps. In Antarctica, these losses are in the form of icebergs calved from ice shelves formed by glacial movements on the mainland.

Last week, federal Environment Minister Peter Garrett said experts predicted sea level rises of up to 6m from Antarctic melting by 2100, but the worst case scenario foreshadowed by the SCAR report was a 1.25m rise.

Mr Garrett insisted global warming was causing ice losses throughout Antarctica. “I don’t think there’s any doubt it is contributing to what we’ve seen both on the Wilkins shelf and more generally in Antarctica,” he said.

Dr Allison said there was not any evidence of significant change in the mass of ice shelves in east Antarctica nor any indication that its ice cap was melting. “The only significant calvings in Antarctica have been in the west,” he said. And he cautioned that calvings of the magnitude seen recently in west Antarctica might not be unusual.

“Ice shelves in general have episodic carvings and there can be large icebergs breaking off — I’m talking 100km or 200km long — every 10 or 20 or 50 years.”

Ice core drilling in the fast ice off Australia’s Davis Station in East Antarctica by the Antarctic Climate and Ecosystems Co-Operative Research Centre shows that last year, the ice had a maximum thickness of 1.89m, its densest in 10 years. The average thickness of the ice at Davis since the 1950s is 1.67m.

A paper to be published soon by the British Antarctic Survey in the journal Geophysical Research Letters is expected to confirm that over the past 30 years, the area of sea ice around the continent has expanded.

10 responses so far

Apr 21 2009

Lunch time options continued

Published by SJ under General

As per a previous discussion on this page where I lamented my lunchtime meal boredom I have come across some interesting new lunch time options for you to consider. Please note you may die or get horribly sick eating these.

1. Scallop Butty

White bread buttered with butter & peanut butter on it. You then whack a “just out of the deep fry” potato scallop in the middle, add some salt and enjoy.

Whilst it doesn’t sound to good give it a trundle before you knock it.

2. The McReef-N-Beef

Purchase a Quarter Pounder from McDonalds.

Purchase a Fillet-O-Fish from McDonalds.

Open the Quarter Pounder up, put the Fillet-O-Fish inside and close the burger back up and squash together. Have not tried it yet but apparently it “goes all right”.

3. Chips and Vinegar

This is not all that creative but it is something I had not tried for a long time. For a change ask for some chips from the fish and chip shop and get some vinegar put on them. Not bad darts.

4. Beetroot Special

A subtle variation on the world famous peanut butter sandwich is the peanut butter and beetroot sandwich. This sounds like a bad combination but again what is pleasant to the ear and what is pleasant to the taste are quite often different so if you have some left over beetroot whack some of that on a peanut butter sandwich and enjoy.

5. The Pie Burger

Invented by a diesel fitter many years ago to maximise food intake over a short smoko break. Purchase a hamburger, open it up and stick a meat pie in there, squirt in some tomato sauce, close it back up and have a napkin nearby. She a bit messy.

What other weird and wonderful lunchtime combos have we got?

10 responses so far

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