After an exciting business trip I am back with some fascinating tips & tales from the tropics.

Tip 1. If anyone is interested the Cairns Esplanade is a most interesting place to visit on a lovely sunny day. All sorts of things to look see…. and that. The back packers apparently don’t enjoy wearing clothes.

Tip 2. The Cock & Bull still needs some fecking lights but the Chicken Schnitzel with mushroom sauce tasted as good as ever. Go for a pub lunch and you will get it.

Tip 3. The Cairns Casino is as good a place as any to lose some cash.

Tip 4. Just because it is nearly winter don’t expect not to sweat in Cairns. Sweat you will.

Tip 5. Bump into me and spill my drink on my pants and I will expect another. Do not risk your life….. just get the fecking drink.

Tip 6. Townsville’s indigenous population live under bridges. They don’t like it when you innocently spit from the bridge, not knowing they are there, and it lands on them. It is handy to have cigarettes to give out as a form of peace pipe. Its unlikely they will read this but for the record, sorry boys.

Tip 7. Virgin Blue are rubbish. To the hostess who kept bumping into me as she walked up and down the aisle …. how you doing?

You may have expected more from someone who has had a short lay-off but trust me, I am working on a literary piece that will electrify the masses.