Just to reiterate.

The next person who tells me that they texted someone had better produce evidence of a person covered in texter ink in about 10 seconds or I will slap them to within 4mm of there lives.

You did not texted anyone, you text them. Text and text are singular and plural. You can’t freakin texted anyone!!!!!!

Clear?

This time lets hope the result is a little more clear cut. The following will give you some insight into this most anticipated rematch!

Haven’t seen it and don’t want to.

The overtising phenomenon comes into its own once again. If 60 minutes are willing to invest time talking to people involved in this movie series, then I am willing to invest no time in watching it.

In fact I would rather write my opinions about it without knowing any facts other than what the media dumps upon us.

From what I can decipher there is this chick who is keen on some vampire and then he leaves for a while and some new wolf dude comes along and acts all tough for a bit and tries to steal her but then the vampire comes back and says but no she is mine.

Based on that detailed synopsis I don’t understand why anyone would want to watch this rubbish. Fortunately for the actors of this trot, people by the millions have lined up to watch this drivel proving to me that morons are absolutely everywhere.

In summary, if you watch the Twilight movie series you are a slave to popular culture and a bitch of corporate media. Do yourself a favour and watch a documentary instead!

These Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the ‘actual’ responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe …
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
… Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

This weekend (for the rest of the world) is UFC 105 Randy Couture V Brandon Vera. Unfortunately here in Australia this weekend is not UFC 105. UFC 105 doesn’t take place in Australia until next weekend due the awesomeness of Mainevent TV.

Anyway, if you would like to see a real actual legend of world sport I can totally recommend watching Randy Couture go around again!

NOTE*
Dana White, we are gettting screwed for UFC telecasts in Australia. Seriously a weeks delay to see UFC 105? That is bad darts!

I am staggered with the current reaction to the Tiger Woods phenomenon in Australia. He is at best, a slightly above average golfer. Seriously what the hell is going on with the niffs going to watch him practice or stay in the same hotel just to meet him.

I remember back in the day when every bastard used to watch Greg Norman’s every move and I used to feel sorry for him. Then the Tiger train pulled into the station and every Tom, Dick and Harry Highpants made the move to the next big thing.

To be honest at the time I didn’t really rate the Tige, his swing was quick and didn’t look to lush to me. He couldn’t putt, there far was too much hype about him and I thought I could beat him easily. Sadly I have been proven wrong, he was worth the hype, his swing has proven decisively effective and he in fact can putt. Oh and I couldn’t beat a dead dog, let alone a prowling tiger.

He has 14 career major wins, impressive yes but WELL behind the record of Jack Nicklaus’s who managed to win an awesome 18 majors. People keep telling me that Tiger will beat his record easy but until he does, he is not the best golfer in the world. Until then, the GOLDEN BEAR remains the greatest golfer alive today. I reckon he could still towel Tiger up in a match play game today!

Today was smash a supermarket day based on the absolutely stunning news that grocery prices have gone up 41.5% in the last 10 years. How terrible.

A massive 3.5% increase per year. Oh wait on that’s about the same as inflation over the last ten years.

Oh and what have house prices done in this time? Or petrol prices or the share market or any number of prices over the past ten years.

There are three kinds of people in this world, those who understand maths and those who don’t! I am betting there is an unfortunately large percentage of the population that think that the supermarket price increases are totally unreasonable. Sure we all want the lowest price but being realistic. If your costs increase by 3 – 4 % per year then so are your sell prices.

Now you are going to start in on me about the farmers getting screwed. Well that’s a whole different story. The farmers are free to do what they like, to form associations / unions that enable them to work as a team against those bully supermarkets. Fact is most of us are sick of their sooking and if they can’t start figuring out stuff on their own, then too bad.

Lastly everyone is whinging about a duopoly. Boo freaking hoo. Again, the fact is the consumer previously had the opportunity of multiple supermarkets and these multiple supermarkets failed due to lack of patronage.

The option of bringing in overseas companies to compete with our local supermarkets is just stupid. Unless you prefer sending your profits overseas rather than having them stay in Australia as the majority do at the moment, which would seem odd.

If you don’t like it, I suggest you go to the butcher for your meat, green grocer for your fruit & veg and independent stores for the other stuff. Being that most of the whingers are also lazy I am guessing the whinging will continue ad nauseam.