Dear parents who insist in trick or treating with their children,

I give you fair warning. Knock of my door while I am trying to watch a rugby league test match between Australian and England again and I assure you the expletives your children heard this year will be nothing in comparison to what I do next year.

Get it through your head you complete simpletons. Halloween is not celebrated in Australia in any official capacity. If you want to indulge in some American fantasy, feel free to keep it in your own backyard but if you insist bringing it to my front door you should be ready for a real life horror show.

As for the trick, should I find an ounce of egg on my car or front of the house I will launch an attack against you of biblical proportions. Yes I am talking to you the mousey haired bitch mother from number 493. I know you don’t think I know where you live but I do and I have rotten prawns in my freezer waiting for such an occasion.

Teach your kids something useful instead of this garbage.

Out

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner .

‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’

‘Go away!’ I said. ‘I haven’t got any money!’, ‘I’m broke!’ and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.’

I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning……

click on the photo to view full size.

Just jealous more than anything.

Perception = reality?

Highlights of the big fight.

There was also some sort of interaction after the fight with the WWE’s undertaker after the fight. You can check it out here.

Is this the WWE trying some free cross promotion/marketing hype? Quite possibly. Maybe the E are thinking about becoming an MMA promotion as well and are trying to get Brock in to fight the Taker in a legit fight. Who knows.

The following is a 100% accurate portrayal of what occurs in the sales industry.

I think this may be the biggest sporting weekend of the year. Here are a few things you should be getting behind.

First cab off the ranks is Cox Plate Day

Race 5 – Schweppes Stakes(GROUP 2) 1200m
Black Caviar should easily win but will be short

Race 7 Cathay Pacific Airways Cup(GROUP 2)
Precedence is a solid chance

Race 8 Tatts Cox Plate(GROUP 1)
So You Think and More Joyous to dead heat

Keep an eye on Zipping for a solid run home in prepartion for the Melbourne Cup

Korean Formula 1 GP

Mark Webber’s big chance to put his championship rivals to the sword. The track suits his Red Bull down to the ground. Having recently driven it on F1 2010 I am strongly confident he will pull out a huge win.

Gold Coast 600

Craig Lowndes to win again

UFC 121

A card I have been looking forward to for months is finally here. Thanks to our sponsor sportingbet.com.au the following prices are currently available. Have 10 on each of my tips and I reckon you will be going ok.

Sam Stout 1.55
V
Paul Taylor 2.40

——-

Patrick Cote 1.57
V
Tom Lawlor 2.35

——-

Court McGee 1.39
V
Ryan Jensen 2.90

——-

Brendan Schaub 2.40
V
Gabriel Gonzaga 1.55

——-

Tito Ortiz 2.35
V
Matt Hamill 1.57

——-

Diego Sanchez 1.92
V
Paulo Thiago 1.84

——-

Jake Shields 1.42
V
Martin Kampmann 2.80

——-

World Heavyweight Title – Fight to determine toughest dude in the world

Brock Lesnar 1.67
V
Cain Velasquez 2.15

1. Misspelling their kids’ names – rather than giving their child an unusual name they misspell a common one. For example; Riley becomes Reilly, Rhylee, Rhylie, Rhylee, Ryley or Rylie.

2. Perspective-based photos at famous landmarks – think “holding up” the Eiffel tower.

3. SMS speak – LOL, OMG, WTF, BRB, SUM1, SXE.

4. Cross dressing – despite being homophobic the modern bogan loves cross dressing, so long as he doesn’t actually end up looking anything like a woman. To ensure this the bogan will have plenty of hair sticking out of his fishnets and plenty of manly stubble.

5. Joining moronic facebook groups – some examples include: I hate stupid people, I flip my pillow over to get the cold side and I use my cell phone to see in the dark.

6. Personalised number plates – 2HOT4U, WTABUZ, COPB8.

7. Party buses – bogans hate public transport and will use any opportunity to get in their fuel guzzling car. But bogans who can’t afford a stretch Hummer love the party bus.

8. Tribal tattoos – mark the bogan as a “warrior” and allow them to think they are culturally and artistically aware.

9. Commercial radio stations – bogans not only love hearing their favourite music (Bon Jovi, Nickelback etc) over and over again, they also like hearing it remixed and interspersed with comedians, celebrities and prank phone calls.

10. New Zealand – when bogans get sick of making six finger jokes about Tasmanians there’s nothing they like more than making sheep and Hobbit jokes about New Zealanders.

Has anyone else tried any of the Emily’s Kitchen Ready Meals, available at Woolworths? They are fresh, individual meals (kind of like frozen meals) kept in the fridge section. They are not frozen so don’t bother looking where the frozen microwave meals are. Look near the deli more than likely.

Anyway they are gold. If you are not a fan of the microwave frozen meals these may be a little better for you. They taste a bit more like a normal meal than a frozen one.

There are meals such as

Thai green curry chicken = Good
Butter chicken = TBA
Chicken tikka masala = Good
Pepper steak with potato = TBA
Angus steak in ale with creamy mashed potato = Good
Mushroom risotto = TBA

They do have a shorter use-by date but that is ok if you just keep one or two in the fridge. Especially handy when you are working late and just can’t be arsed going to the effort cooking something when you get home. Assume its got to be better than certain take aways anyways.

Get into Woolworths and pick yourself up a few today!