Dear Shirvy
Are you sure you don’t use moisturiser?

Answer
Yes I am sure.

Well, I look forward to next week’s edition of ‘Ask Shirvy’.

Dear Shirvy,
Is Marteen Iamasmartman.com’s evil twin?

Answer
I am not sure, it is possible but I doubt it. I think I met Iamasmartman driving a taxi on Saturday night. He seems all right but pretty sure of himself. Marteen seems to be a little less intimate with the general population than the taxi driver.

Dear Shirvy,
Can you please repeat that pizzling you gave IASM!! I’d do it myself but it’s getting boring and you did it so well….

Answer
No.

Dear Shirvy,
How did you not notice the Ompa Lompa climbing on to the bar stool in front of you? Don’t give me the bullshit story you were drunk and didn’t notice it, tugging on your shirt.

Answer
I am not sure where to begin with this one. You seem to be one of these blokes that opens his mouth to speak and is unable to articulate what you are really trying to say. Try again.

Dear Shirvy,
SJ, Would you be interested in selling the website?

Answer
If the price offered were considered to a fair equity price for the web site I would consider this. However I don’t intend selling my baby to anyone at this point.

Dear Shirvy,
Why do people that can’t fight in real life pick virtual fights and act really tough and that over the internet behind the safety of their keyboard?

Answer
It is an interesting phenomenon that actually began with the advent of unlicensed CB radios. These “button pushers” as they became known would take great joy in annoying, taunting and interrupting other people on CB trying to have a conversation. The button pushers were soon made silent when the ability to triangulate a transmitters position became common knowledge in the CB community. I am happy to say I will have a similar ability soon with this web page. As to why they do it…… boredom maybe.

Dear Shirvy,
Long time listener, first time caller…..could you please tell me how to convince my wife I need more man-to-man time?

Answer
I can only suggest that if you wife knows that you are having fun and she isn’t, then she must end your fun as quickly as possible. The best way of making sure you can spend more time with your mates is tell her what a crap time you had last time (even though it was the best EVER) and that you are just trying to support your mate cause he is a lonely loser with no other friends. Tell her it’s not fun but somebody has to do it.

Dear Shirvy,
Can you please tell me what the difference is between pashing and bashing?

Answer
Yes its quite simple really, pashing is what happens when I chop almost any chick anywhere, bashing is what happens when the chick complains to the bouncers about my unwelcome approach.

Dear Shirvy,
Is turkey slap sunshine a cocktail?

Answer
If it isn’t it should be. I was unable to locate proof of its existence so I can only suggest at the moment it would be an incident from big brother where one of the other housemates opened the window halfway through to let some light in.

Dear Shirvy,

Question, would Willy Wonkers Chocolate factory survive in Australia under our current I.R. laws? sub question would ompa lompas be considered as illegal immigrants and there for be working illegally if they receive no pay just room and board

Willy Wonkers Chocolate factory will only prosper in this time in Australian history. Workers have been brutalised into submission and now basically work for peanuts (left over from the chocolate bars). You are no doubt also aware we are in an obesity epidemic and junk food companies will continue to increase profits as a result.

Ompa Lompas should be shot on sight!! I came to this conclusion after a disturbing drunken pash I had with one a few months back. I never want to be exposed to their late night drunken allure again.

Dear Shirvy,

Do bevans know they are bevans?

If so, why do they not change their behaviour?

What opinions do bevans have with respect to other members (normal individuals) of the community?

When can I expect to receive the replacement $100 from you that I placed on India to win on Friday as a result of your “discerning” recommendation?

Answer:
No, a true bevan is completely oblivious to the fact that they are a bevan. This unfortunately means that they think they are a normal member of the community, so they will not change their behaviour and will remain bevans until they are able to break through the “inbevalance” intelligence level. They also seem to go around on websites accusing other people of being bevans.

Bevans also make claims for money from “others” for reasons known only to themselves. It is a sad money grabbing trait and one that remains unique to this select group of people.

Dear Shirvy,

I was dating a guy who was lovely in every way. We got along really well, enjoyed all the same things and generally just had a blast hanging out together. So one week we went out and the inevitable happened and we went back to his place and slept together. And it was bad. Really really horrendously bad. Technique was all wrong, and I honestly don’t think he even cared whether I was having a good time or not.

But I got to wondering what would others do if they found their potential partner was hopeless in bed? Do you stay, and help them improve or run for the hills? How important is sex to a relationship?

Answer:
Ummmm Jenny is that you?