Jul 08 2008
Not a smart man – a hero?
You are in the presence of a hero people. That hero is me. I don’t give myself this tag lightly but rest assured it is thoroughly deserved.
On Saturday night an associate of mine entered the room gasping for air clutching at his throat. It seems that he had tried to eat an entire packet of chips in one mouthful and smoke a cigarette at the same time. A valuable lesson learnt. I immediately engaged the Heimlich Maneuver (or abdominal thrust) and after several thrusts saved his life.
Just to help you kids out there I thought I should teach you all how to do it so that one day you may also know the sweet satisfaction of having a fellow human being owe you his life.
Performing abdominal thrusts involves a rescuer/hero (me) standing behind a patient (Chipsy Joe Jackson) and using their hands to exert pressure on the bottom of the diaphragm. This compresses the lungs and exerts pressure on any object lodged in the trachea, hopefully expelling it. This amounts to an artificial cough.
Due to the forceful nature of the procedure, even when done correctly it can injure the person on whom it is performed. Bruising to the abdomen is highly likely and more serious injuries can occur, including fracture of the xiphoid process or ribs. But as we discussed on the night, better a cracked rib then be dead.
I am not sure on the etiquette but I look forward to my ‘hero reward’ soon.
As an eyewitness I can confirm Shirvy’s hero status, although I must admit I was somewhat distracted as CJJ coughed and spluttered all over the steaks I was about to BBQ.
Shirvy’s actions were truly heroic, particularly when compared with those of CJJ’s wife, who stood back giggling like a schoolgirl as her husband choked, or his host (me) who was more concerned about why CJJ was so rudely (and noisily) dying in his kitchen (and potentially spoiling the aforementioned steaks!!) rather than out on the grass.
His speedy, decisive action no doubt saved the life of a big, fat bogan who got too greedy and tried to combine the two great loves of his life into one mouth-watering experience….
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Thank you Fat, I was puzzled at his attempt to eat all that food at once!
SJ
Shirvo is always Johnny on the spot when it comes to being behind a man and thrusting….
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If only you were the one choking Krusty. I would have enjoyed that ‘opportunity’
SJ
You have always been a hero in my eyes Shirvy. The recent saving of the life of one Reegitz, the flamboyant Frenchman, is just another act of bravery in a life punctuated by great acts of kindness and unselfishness. Ad astra per aspera for you my man.
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Thank you mate. I appreciate your thoughts. It was indeed brave.
SJ
I don’t think you are supposed to use that move anymore. I thought you were suposed to hit them on the back or something. You could get sued if you do it wrong mate.
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I may yet be sued …… by his wife I assume. Seriously Rob do you think there is a chance he would sue me for trying to help him? or is that just how your mind works?
SJ
SJ, you are puzzled at someone’s attempt ot eat a lot o food? Don’t pretend that this was the first time you have been ‘next’ to a person that has eaten too much in one mouthful.
Nice work largey. When you were risking your own life (& your sexuality & your self-respect) to save him, did you question whether it was all worth it? Won’t diabetes or heart disease or bounceritis get him soon anyway?
Hasn’t this recipient of your heroic act already died once a couple of years ago? I remember visiting his wife while he was in hospital for something & that.
Was my phone not working by the way????? I didn’t hear about a BBQ!!
Let me set the story straight FATBLOB!!
SJ, the only reason you tried to “save my life” was because my wife was screaming at you to do SOMETHING and you are that shit scared of her that you promptly gave me a half homosexual squeeze which actually did f#%k all. Thanks anyway. Try a little lemon and vinegar on that stain in the front of your pants.
Now Fat Simon, you must want me dead for you just stood there like a true englishman being threatened with a bar of soap and a hose. After SJ “saved my life”, you then tried to kill us all with food poisoning by feeding us blue, 5 degree steaks, raw sausages and chicken that was still laying eggs. You call yourself a “host”? Shame on you, you NIFF NUFF!!! You should be banned from BBQs altogether and stick to making beef soup with pastry on top.
Moorey, I can’t believe you were’nt invited because I know your name came up numerous times in the planning.
Checkmate and goodnight!
A woman screaming at you S.J.? Sounds like any other Saturday night for him Reeeegitz…….. or maybe she was screaming don’t touch him I’ve just paid the life insurance! would be hard for you to tell while choking.